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Nov 17 2006
By: AdySmith Treasure Hunter 5473 posts
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English Coursework - short story...

5 replies 8 views Edited Nov 17, 2006
A car passed at breakneck speed with its headlights pointing at the dawn. Tiny dashes of light emitted from the grass, signifying the amount of water absorbed from the rain. The car’s wheels screeched as they clashed with the wet roads. All was silent. A fork of lightning flashed a bright light across the sky, revealing the open landscape and illuminating the night. Another car passed, looking rather hurried, readily piercing the mist. The driver, a young woman, looked worried. She glanced out the window and saw herself; a cute brunette with makeup flowing down her face. She was crying.

The fog was clearing and the driver could faintly see the rear of the car in front. She followed it up to the top of a cliff and sat impatiently. Her heart was beating. A dangerous-looking man emerged from his vehicle, turned to face her and weakly smiled. She gave a huge sigh, opened her car and stepped outside. The air smelt crisp. Without further delay the man hasted towards her. He grabbed her wet arm and they excelled into a passionate kiss. Raindrops fell from the clouds as they ripped each other’s clothes off, completely forgetting about their surroundings and made love under the stars.


Thanks for reading it (if you did). It isn't the finished version or anything, I just wanted to know what a couple of people thought about it so far. Do you have any suggestions or comments?
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Wastelander
Registered: 06/15/2006
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Re: English Coursework - short story...

Nov 17, 2006
Good writing u got there,more connectives and complex sentences
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Re: English Coursework - short story...

Nov 17, 2006


rsaw10 wrote:
Good writing u got there,more connectives and complex sentences


Thanks for your input.
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Treasure Hunter
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Re: English Coursework - short story...

Nov 17, 2006
Nice piece of work there!

I have a comment, though...

If I were you, I'd experiment some with some different sentence patterns. Make some sentences long and some extra short to give it flow and then stop. Maybe be combining some sentences and dividing others.

That's my only gripe . It's great already though, I hesitate to change it at all!
Formerly "Overclocked Cellist"
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Treasure Hunter
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Re: English Coursework - short story...

Nov 17, 2006


Overclocked Cellist wrote:
Nice piece of work there!

I have a comment, though...

If I were you, I'd experiment some with some different sentence patterns. Make some sentences long and some extra short to give it flow and then stop. Maybe be combining some sentences and dividing others.

That's my only gripe . It's great already though, I hesitate to change it at all!


I see what you're saying. Most of my story's sentences so far are consistent in length. I'll have a go at changing a few things around. Thanks for your help.
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Re: English Coursework - short story...

Nov 17, 2006
Very good descriptions. Although, with the descriptions come... extra words! I don't mean for you to take anything out, but some of it is just too much, and makes a little awkward sounding. You could break into different sentences, or condense by using different forsms of words (example: the first sentence could be changed into: A car whipped by at breakneck speed, headlights saluting the dawn.) Also, good word choice, although you might be able to switch out some of the more "passive" words for my action-y ones. (see example above: passed switched for whipped). People like to read action-y stuff, even if what's going on isn't inherently very exciting. Rather than over-describing with adjectives or adverbs, you could try to put in unusual verbs, if you wanted.

Smashing wrote:
A car passed at breakneck speed with its headlights pointing at the dawn. Tiny dashes of light emitted from the grass, signifying the amount of water absorbed from the rain. The car’s wheels screeched as they clashed with the wet roads. All was silent. A fork of lightning flashed a bright light across the sky, revealing the open landscape and illuminating the night. Another car passed, looking rather hurried, readily piercing the mist. The driver, a young woman, looked worried. She glanced out the window and saw herself; a cute brunette with makeup flowing down her face. She was crying.

The fog was clearing and the driver could faintly see the rear of the car in front. She followed it up to the top of a cliff and sat impatiently. Her heart was beating. A dangerous-looking man emerged from his vehicle, turned to face her and weakly smiled. She gave a huge sigh, opened her car and stepped outside. The air smelt crisp. Without further delay the man hasted towards her. He grabbed her wet arm and they excelled into a passionate kiss. Raindrops fell from the clouds as they ripped each other’s clothes off, completely forgetting about their surroundings and made love under the stars.


Thanks for reading it (if you did). It isn't the finished version or anything, I just wanted to know what a couple of people thought about it so far. Do you have any suggestions or comments?



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